so here i am at 10: 44 pm at Kinkos… putting in a post… haven’t had my computer since i didn’t lock it up and ended up with a back screen and a little white dot.. and no windows.. I left my computer at staples with a new tech.. Marcelle… and after 65.00 diagnostics service fee… we will see if he was able to get it running….
Must say this has been a really shitty weekend… or few days on and off.. I had all these people who kept picking fights… and trying to start arguments.. and actually made me cry… . Why??? why would someone go out of there way to make me look bad.. to make me cry.. and of course i was babysitting so i am missing a cd…. Thomas the train CD…. I am told again to keep quiet and to not say anything… and to not worry.. it will show up… but so far my khaki sweater hasn’t shown up… my diamond earnings.. hasn’t shown up.. and my pearl earrings haven’t shown up… and i was in tears getting ice cream at the Ritz… being consoled feeling that i am not valuable.. and that of course i don’t matter…
the thing about target… I once helped a woman who lived in my complex but lived by Annies place… her name was carolyn K. and he had knee surgery… i assisted her for a full day and also picked up her meds from target… i think when we were talking she mentioned that she liked the girl who had the long blond hair and trespassed int my complex pretending to run so she could meet up with boys/ men or what ever karen kahel did when she transported children and trespassed into private property… but then she is just another example of the “whore to door service girls” and the way they manipulate lives… to and ruin lives…
I honestly think that 8 years of begin bullied and lied to and having every hope and dream i ever had is far too much… i was talking to my sister about heaven.. and death.. and honestly .. I will never do anything to harm myself or others .. but i really cant wait to be dead and in heaven…. i wont have to deal with selfish bullies.. i wont have to deal with a bunch of people who think it is o.k. to steal from me.. to harm me.. and to ruin my life… i will get to see loved ones who i guess are the only people who really loved me… these last 8 years… and i wont be used by a bunch of strangers who need to have a girl who is 5 foot 4 inches and who was once really really nice.. and who was once really really happy… and who was once really really loved.. and who once really had a ton of real friends and family who would have done anything and everything for me… as i would have done everything and anything for them…
one really interesting incident that occurred when i was babysitting… a child that was not in my care but was in the same family… came back into the room after being bullied bya 14 year old boy… she was 12…
her and her friends were upset and were a bit afraid to tell their parents.. i told her it would put me in a really awkward position if i didn’t tell her parents and would need to tell them but i also told her form my own personal experience that bulling is not acceptable behavior.. that no one is allowed to make anyone feel bad about themselves and that if you look around there is always going to be someone that should be on your side so to speak and that you should tell the proper authorities.. and it should be stopped… i offered that her and her friends come and stay in the room even if i wasn’t supposed to babysit them… get ice cream watch a movie.. and just not be around the boys.. i told her at 12 to make sure that the bulling doesn’t escalate to anything physical.. that if you feel uncomfortable in any situation you have a right to just leave… and to make sure that you tell your parents and any adults and proper authority… that real friends and devoted loving ad wonderful family members… will never allow you to be bullied.. or harmed in any way.. and by telling the proper authorities.. you will stop these people from harming you or anyone else…. in the future
Also i was walking on the treadmill and got to see some movies that i usually watch with the older kids.. like princesses diaries.. and the prince and me… really cure movies. and seeing Denmark.. made me think of my time in France … and meeting my friend Heidi from Denmark.. and Thomas and claes from Sweden.. and who would have ever thought that i would have met that scummy criminal.. and all the horrid people from i would have never come back form Europe… i would have stayed in France.. and just never come back…
but actually i should have been able to come back to Naples and be free to peruse a successful business.. to preuse a great relationship, and to have a great life…. no problems… no worries … and no dramma…and definitely no bulling… and no criminals….. UGGG is that too much to ask?
maybe i would have come back for college… but probably gone with my original plan to go to school with my friend Kathy young in California… or would have made sure that i lived in a a very safe environment with no criminals… If i couldn’t have gone back that far.. i would have definitely wished that i had never met that at scum gerard Ahler… and karen kahel… NEVER MET them!
I look back on my life.. and know i had a great past… had amazing experiences… and amazing friends and family… and to see what meting just a few rotten and horrid and selfish criminals.. can do to a life.. it is absolutely not acceptable… not at all ! when i was talking to father Len… about god and prayers… and about prayers being answered…. no answers.. yet… and i went and cried at the church..( what a horrid sat night right?) . and said my novena tonight after babysitting… before coming to kinkos to put out at least one post… its a bit late. I know….
but since i’m assuming breaking my computer so i would have no way to communicate with anyone.. so when someone would make me cry .. or keep m
e alone or end to manipulate my life… because some look alike from west palm or the check republic or from where ever… needed to be out on the town.. i wouldn’t interrupt the fun and games they play with people’s lives… especially at the end of the weekend.. when everyone has had their fun and their parties and kept me out of everything…
i tried to ask my sister when i became not valuable? when did i not matter?… for Scott and any other guy so far… actually i haven’t been allowed to meet any other guys really…. I was never tall enough or thin enough or whatever enough… but I’m pretty sure in college Cameron actually thought i was alright just the way i was/ the way i am… and any real friend would love and appreciate me just the way i am… but it seems prety hard to find any real nice normal peopl hewho can be genuine freinds.. so many people have somealterior motive… like breaking into your home.. or stealing.. or using your idenity.. or your name.. or using your friends to steal your blessings… what rotten people right? yes i must agree…
and i don’t understand why my sister Mattie kept hanging out with this one babysitter instead of my mom?… made me remember that one post on facebook for a “mattie kelly”…. a girl who married an Irish boy? or did they just get the typing wrong? pretty far off when it is a last name of kelly…. to misspell it from ZISKA….
the nice parts of the weekend… well the Thomas bubbles that stopped a little boy jack form crying.. being able to be helpful and give great advice to a girl of 12 years of age… about the unacceptable bulling by anyone… i almost thought Hey maybe i went through these horrid years and experiences to be able to just make sure this young girl doesn’t get harmed… but then I got bullied after that so nope… couldn’t have been a lesson to learn just for that moment… UGG>>
i still see no redeeming factor for any of this.. again i was told that none reads this blog.. that i don’t matter.. that no one cares… and that no one will ever help me… of course my response to that was a relentless stream of tears… puffy eyes… and this gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach… which brings me to another revelation… the first timed in 2003.. when the buling and torment started.. did i happen to mention i lost 20 pounds.. yes i went from 120 pounds to about 100 pounds… i don’t know if the boys and girls who bullied got more pleasure the thinner i got .. that made them feel more powerful that they could not only ruin a nice girl’s life.. but that they could cause her physical harm as well… the boys and of course karne kahel who jumps up ad down and cries out that she won when she bullies someone … but the boys must get aroused and get excited to be able to harm a defenseless girl.. right? i mean its some kind of sick power trip right? then afterwords… i actually didn’t talk to anyone for about 6 months… i mean really didn’t ….. i started sleeping with a night light after nightmares… and of course when some guy said he watched me walk around my condo in my swimsuit… there went opening all the windows and curtains…. so….. when i was told that a certain person didn’t think it really did anything to affect my life… i must disagree… and Must say without a shadow of a doubt…. it ruined my life… these people ruined my life…. and even though father Len had almost talked me int at lest thinking about forgiving them.. i wet back and told his secretary that no way.. am i ever forgiving them for all of this.. never! and i want Justice more than ever … and i want damages more than ever!
and to the idiots… the ones who steal identities… and think they can take the place of an origional person… you will never… take my place.. you don’t know all the stores.. you dont know all the real stories.. and real occurances.. and all the real life experiences… you are ruining lives permanently.. and you shouldn’t be allowed to do it… its criminal.. its nto acceptable adn may god never have mercy on your selfish and rotten souls.